blood is thicker than water

This is a shout-out to my awesome family. They have stood by my side through thick and thin and without them I wouldn't be who I am today. I love you guys. And....side-note: we are all freaks....an elaborate collection of randomness and complete abstractness in every possible way. But that's what makes a family so sweet....and I wouldn't have mine any other way. You mess with them I kick you to kingdom come. Try me.

a day at the park

The Avster ~ 3 Months

Tat and Piercings

The tribal butterfly. Symbolizing freedom and a new beginning

About ready to get my nose and nips done....the nose was first...

Totally freaking out!

Filling out the paperwork. I couldn't even write well because I was so nervous my hands were shaking!!!

My nose stud :) Immediately after so it's still very swollen

All in all this experience was one of the best experiences of my entire life. I feel so liberated and free in my life right now. I am learning to be independent and strong, not only for myself but also for my children. I'm doing things I never thought I'd ever be able to do. I'm learning to appreciate things about myself that I didn't even know existed. I'm learning to allow myself to make mistakes and to accept my imperfections. I am learning to love myself for me and not for whatever anyone tells me I am. And as far as the tattoo/piercing experience itself goes, it was AMAZING!!!! The piercings were first. The nose...and then...the *ahem* nips (shhhh...don't tell ANYONE). The guy that did it was soooo bizarre. I can't even describe to you the thoughts and feelings that were running through my head as I bared all to a complete stranger so he could power wash me in numbing spray and stab needles in me. And for all three times...I never felt a thing except a little pressure. I didn't even know they were done until they were done. It was the coolest thing! And then came the tat. The tat symbolizes freedom and a new beginning. That's why I chose the butterfly. The proverbial release from a sheltering cocoon and subsequent metamorphosis into a beautiful butterfly.It was the most amazing feeling ever! I know people say tats hurt, and mine hurt like crazy sometimes (I'm talking sweat was pouring off me, my legs were shaking uncontrollably and expletitives were threatening to spew out of my mouth...), but for the most part...it felt GOOD! I was almost falling asleep during most of it...and laughing and enjoying the good sensations it was giving me. I'm officially a freak. I think I'll definitely get just one more...something meaningful that incorporates my three little angels. We'll see. Way down the road.

And so there you have it. Call me crazy. Judge me if you like. Criticize me for my choice words and phrases...for my tats and various piercings if you will. But I am 100% glad I did what I did. This experience was a dream fulfilled.

Things to do today...

Get up.

Survive.

Go back to bed.

Elliott Yamin - Fight For Love - LIVE

This guy has an amazing voice!!! *sigh*

Yo, Elliott...if you get this, look me up, okay?? We'll tour/sing together. Or better yet, I'll just sit at your feet while you sing to me all day, how's that??? In a completely platonic way of course....just....want to clear that up for inquiring minds ;)

Joy in Pain.

Life is beautiful. My blog is appropriately titled as such. And yet sometimes, despite the fact that life is indeed beautiful, it's easy to look around and see so much bleakness, darkness, devastation and heartache. Life, as you've come to know it, completely throws a catch 22 in your immediate direction and you're left gasping for the very air you were previously enjoying. And what's worse is that suffering is not partial. At all. Heartache and pain rain on the just as well as the unjust. But it's the true heroes that are able to rise above and reclaim what was taken away from them. No, more than reclaim. Own. I long for the heart of a warrior. For the passion of one who's loved more deeply than words can express. For the faith like a child that defies all common sense, logic and reason. I crave innocence in its most raw composition. And truth. For it is only in the truth that we find freedom. And in that freedom is the absence of all fear and the desire to live fully and breath again. FDR said it better than I ever can when he stated that "We have nothing to fear except fear itself." Fear limits possibilities and stunts growth. Life is short and our days are never guaranteed. I want to live fully and love fully, with complete abandon. I want to give of myself without the fear of being taken advantage of, or being hurt. I desire a heart full of love rather than a broken, bloody, and discarded one. And I will not settle for anything less. Storms will come. Life will throw a few curve balls every now and then, but its beauty is still able to be seen through the willing eye. I will make it my passion to see it in all things. In the smiles on my children's faces. In their laughter. In the bloom of a delicate rose. In the inevitable wind and rain...and the storms that often accompany it. As the old adage says, "Beauty is all in the eye of the beholder." And if that be true, then I am beholding true beauty. Life. And it's beautiful unpredictability.

Beautiful.

These three beautiful children are my life. The angry mother bear from my previous post? Yeah....don't even go there. Seriously. And while these beautiful babies have been testing my patience beyond its max this last month, I have grown to love them and cling to them so much more. Sometimes it seems we are all each other have. Their smiles can light up a room, and warm my heart to where it feels near bursting point. They are God's greatest gifts to me.

Metamorphosis.

New. Battered. Life. Bruised. Beauty. Rest. Broken. Adventure. Torn. Hope. Steadfast. Fear. Uncertainty. Strength. These words have characterized my life these past few weeks. The turmoil of my soul has burst forth and produced life as unlike I've ever known. Trepidation marks my every step. Wounds (some) heal, only to be ripped open again by the ugliness of reality and others, bleed endlessly. Life as I knew it to be has ended, and a new one has sprung. Faithful readers, I have news to share that has ripped my very being apart; shaken it to its core, though it's been by God's grace that I have not been crushed. Most of you followed my journey on "A Mother's Haven." You saw my family grow in life, love, and ministry. You saw my journey through pregnancy and my joys and struggles in motherhood. You prayed over the ministry God blessed my family with and you laughed at my inevitable quirkiness on more occasions than I wish to admit. But approximately three weeks ago, that world that I'd grown to love and accept was torn asunder. Ripped from my hands, leaving me bleeding and scarred for life. While details won't serve either one of us, I will let you know as best to my ability the events that have prompted a new life, a new beginning...a new blog. On March 27th I packed up the house, packed up my babies, and left my husband for good. I discovered through a chain of events (that I believe the Lord orchestrated) that my husband of almost six years this coming May, had been having affairs on me, both physically as well as emotionally for the past four years of our marriage...among other disturbing details that I should not share. Repentance was hard to come by on his part, as well as true sorrow over his actions. I had no other choice but to remove myself and my kids from a very unhealthy situation that was becoming more unhealthy the longer I stayed. I cannot describe to you the pain this man has caused me, and countless others, and the burden I now bear as a single mom of three beautiful children. I cannot adequately communicate the terrifying apathy my heart feels sometimes. Life as I'd grown to know, and be comfortable in (perhaps too comfortable) has been ripped from me. I've been forced to be independent, strong, and fully functional for my children's sake if not my own, when all I long to do is crawl in my Daddy's lap and weep for what was lost and what's to come. Sometimes the anger is overwhelming both for the accused as well as the accuser. And God has not been left out in my rage, either. My why's are shouted into the wind and taken from me, seemingly unanswered. My tears, though promised to be bottled, seem to pool and suffocate. And my self-esteem, my very nature, has taken such a brutal blow that I wonder if I can ever be the same again, and of course I know I can't. I will never be the same. I will forever bear this scar. This cross. This burden. For I will see it every time I look into my babies eyes. The hurt this has caused them evokes an angry mama bear in me that is poised for attack. I live to protect them now, though I am so beaten down and bruised myself that even my feeble attempts at caring for them seem lost. BUT... if I've learned anything at all thus far from this pain, it is that I am a lot stronger than I gave myself credit for. And I will survive. In God's strength, my children and I will survive. So, my journey has begun anew and I'm inviting you to join me on it. I cannot promise that it won't be ugly-even downright gruesome, but I can promise that there will be beauty somehow. Because that is how God always works.